I Am a Buddha
– A Woman of Unlimited Self Esteem
By Leah Bryant
Before I started practicing Nichiren
Daishonin’s Buddhism in 1990, I lived a very hungry and angry lifestyle.
I was working illegally in the U.S. after completing my studies there.
The pay was low because I was illegal.
I lived from paycheck to paycheck. I didn’t save the money I earned. I
was depressed and angry. I went to movies, discos, shopped, drank beers,
and smoked many cigarettes to fill the emotional pain. By mid-month, I
never had money left to pay the utility bills or buy groceries.
My mother had drummed into me that
I was stupid and naïve and would never amount to anything. I believed
her and had no self-esteem. Whenever I had a problem at work I was too
scared to speak to the boss — my tongue would dry up and I would cry because
I couldn’t express or articulate my needs.
In 1990 I spoke about this to my travel
agent in Miami, Heather Adir, and she suggested I chant Nam Myoho Renge
Kyo three times before I talk to my boss. Suddenly I had power and conviction
in myself. I got the raise and the terms I needed. I never looked back.
Chanting gave me a new sense of self-worth
and self-respect. From then on I have had many wonderful experiences, humongous
obstacles, but tremendous growth as a human being.
I managed two record companies and
worked
with many world-renowned artists and actors, mostly because of my training
as a Byakuren and other responsibilities I held in SGI-USA.
I always had a beautiful place to
live, especially since it was usually the district or chapter meeting place.
As a foreigner living abroad in the United States, I had continuous protection
from the Gohonzon. With the help of U.S. Immigration, I even managed to
overturn my illegal status by getting continual business visas.
I returned to Kenya as a single mother
to raise my young daughter and fulfill the determination I made to Sensei
that in the 21st Century that I would be a leader for African kosen-rufu.
Living with my mother brought back all my old fears and I began to lose
my self-esteem all over again. Daily fighting made me wish I could leave
her, but I felt guilty at the same time. My life condition wavered as did
my practice.
My boss was also shouting at me and
I decided I had had enough and quit a well-paying job with no idea how
I would live, but I knew that I must become happy. My fellow member Angelika
and I decided to set up a mini-kaikan [Buddhist Community Center] so that
we could make the cause to have many members in Mombasa.
I made a fresh determination on January
1, 2004, that by December 31st, I would have total victory in my career,
my home, and my relationships with my family. I also determined that my
daughter and I would become happy, and that I would do my utmost for kosen
rufu in Kenya. I started chanting consistently again, studying the Gosho
and Sensei’s guidance. I threw myself into activities.
Out of the blue in April, I was called
to Nairobi and informed by SGI Japan and our Africa affairs leader Mr.
Minai that I would be appointed as Vice National Women’s leader, Chapter
leader, Treasurer, and on the Executive Committee Board for SGI Kenya.
I was shocked and scared, but my training reminded me to accept with courage
and joy.
Now I had to really had to show actual
proof of this faith not only to my family and friends but also to my fellow
members. How could I do that with no job, very little income from my farming,
and living with my mother at my age and with a young daughter who would
need to go to school soon?
Somehow I knew that I needed to take
my self-esteem back and that it would mean digging deep into myself to
eradicate all the negative and destructive feelings I held on to from childhood.
Mystically I started finding articles
about women and self-esteem. The guidance was to chant to have unlimited
self-esteem, to awaken your own greatness, to manifest the extraordinary
side of you, to be outrageously successful, to display your Buddhahood,
to consistently manifest your Buddha nature, and to finally really respect,
appreciate, and value yourself because you are a Buddha.
It was so difficult and painful in
the beginning. I realized I no longer believed in myself and my Buddhahood.
I made goals half-heartedly and the results were equally minimal. Slowly
but surely, I started seeing concrete tangible benefits.
We helped organize a Women and Young
Women’s training seminar in Mombasa in September. The topic was “Peace
Begins With Me.” The focus of the open, honest, gut-wrenching, emotional,
and passionate discussions was “Self-Esteem and Believing You Are a Buddha”.
We all grew that weekend. I know that
I did. When Mr. Minai, our SGI African Affairs leader came from London
in October for a leadership training course we organized, I asked him for
guidance regarding attaining benefits. He said we must make sure we are
practicing correctly, making concrete goals with deadlines, and that we
must have pure faith.
I read from the Gosho “Reply to the
Lay Nun Nichigon”:
“Whether or not your prayer
is answered will depend on your faith; (if it is not) I will be in no way
to blame… When water is clear, the moon is reflected. Our minds are like
the water. Faith that is weak is like muddy water, while faith that is
brave is like clear water.”
I determined to muster up all my faith,
and to engage the power of the mystic law to show actual proof of Nichiren
Daishonin’s Buddhism.
I knew that I had to have a stable
job again so that I could be independent, give my daughter the education
and opportunities she deserved to have, and move to a wonderful home for
kosen rufu.
With my WD leader Masumi Odari’s encouragement,
I set a goal that I would have my job for kosen rufu by November 18th with
a certain salary figure. I also wrote the guidance that my best friend
in the U.S., Judie Macalino, had been given by Sensei: chant for a job
that would use my talents and skills, be financially rewarding, and still
have time for activities.
The day before Mr. Minai came down
to Mombasa, my ex-boss called my District Leader to enquire about me because
he had a project in mind for me. I was shocked. I didn’t want to work for
him again in that position of strictly clearing and forwarding. And I had
left his job without proper notice! I used to even hide if I saw him at
the supermarket.
I chanted and realized I am a Buddha,
a Lion King!
I read in “The Drum at the Gate of
Thunder”:
“A woman who embraces the
Lion King of the Lotus Sutra never fears any of the beasts of hell or of
the realms of hungry spirits and animals. All the offenses committed by
a woman in her lifetime are like dry grass, and the single character myo
of the Lotus Sutra is like a small spark. When a small spark is set to
a large expanse of grass, not only the grass but also the big trees and
large stones will all be consumed. Such is the power of the fire of wisdom
in the single character myo. Not only will all offenses vanish, but they
will become sources of benefit. This is what changing poison into amrita
means.”
I realized this might be the answer to
my prayers and I should put my trust in the Gohonzon instead of having
fears. The least it would do would be to change poison into medicine. I
made the call. By November 15th after a bit of very courageous, firm, and
confident negotiation, I was employed as the Business Development Manager
for Spedag International, with my first account being clearing and forwarding
for Lafarge Kenya and Uganda (cement factories). I got the salary I wrote
down — even after taxes! I have my own office and my own staff and am now
a senior manager in the company. In February I will receive my company
car which will help me get to Chapter activities.
Now at work I get to do what I enjoy
doing — pushing, organizing, communicating and keeping all the VIP’s happy
— all traits learned from my training as Byakuren.
The boss that I used to have so many
problems with, whose happiness I chanted sincerely for last year, has changed
his character and is now my greatest ally in the company. He comes to me
for advice about personnel problems because he says that, as a Buddhist,
I see through people and get the truth.
My job will be flying me to Nairobi
a few times a month so that I can continue to perform my duties as a SGI
National leader for board meetings, etc.
My relationship with my mother has
improved and we have been able to have heart to heart discussions. I have
learned not to fight back, but to appreciate her for everything she sacrificed
for me, as well as being my zenshishiki [good friend].
My daughter is enrolled in a good
nursery school and has learned how to chant.
Again with Masumi’s encouragement,
I made another goal to have my house for kosen rufu, near the beach, at
a certain rent by December 31st. I have just signed the lease — the cottage
is beautiful, on a compound right next to the beach, and the rent is exactly
what I determined!
My daughter and I will start moving
our belongings in on Christmas Day! I am so excited as this will be the
first time I have ever rented my own place in Kenya!
I have renewed my faith and am filled
with incredible joy that I had the courage, determination, and wisdom to
believe in the Gohonzon, which meant I had to believe in myself. I AM a
BUDDHA! I AM manifesting the extraordinary side of me. I AM a woman of
unlimited self-esteem!!!
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