Changing
My Karma With Men
by Claudia Wellington
Virtually every
relationship I have had with men (family included) has been abusive. If
I wasn't getting beaten for breakfast, lunch, and dinner, then it was emotional
or verbal or spiritual abuse.
When I began
this practice 18 years ago, I was in a relationship where I would get beaten
for merely getting out of the car. Nothing got rid of this relationship
— not police, not therapy, not the courts, nothing. It was either he dies
or I do. I had actually stabbed him once while defending myself in one
of our fights.
My life condition
was so low that I didn't want to fight any more. This led to extreme despair,
but because of this (wonderful, in hindsight!) man, I found the Gohonzon.
It took two
years of intense 24/7 practice and activities to change this abusive relationship,
but I campaigned so hard and changed it so much that he moved clear across
country and out of my life forever!
Each relationship
after that has been less and less abusive — until the last one! It was
a day that I didn't have time to do gongyo (had to be at work by 7:15 am)
and I met "the man of my life". That was true because he did show me my
life — what my life would be like if I didn't practice. (I have the kind
of life where I HAVE to do gonygo every day or I suffer profoundly.) I
don't want to recount the list of problems in this spiritual, physical,
sexual, and emotionally abusive relationship, but suffice it to say, I
RAN to my leaders! The guidance was simple and yet the hardest thing to
do. Isn't that always the case with life-to-life guidance?
The guidance
was: "Chant for this person's happiness, chant to change the poison between
you into medicine, and ask the Gohonzon to take his pain and suffering
away."
That was four
years ago — and since I got that guidance, I literally chanted 1/2 hour
a day just about this situation in that manner. I still chant about this
(again, wonderful!) person who showed me my life and forced me to change
my relationship with the Gohonzon.
What was the
benefit? Now I do not have to chase my fortune — it chases me. I have a
wonderful relationship with a really nice human being (sincere, supportive,
kind, compassionate — yes, I've shakubukued him — not to mention love,
chocolates, flowers, and diamonds!). I truly changed a life-threatening
situation into a life-supporting one.
The other thing
that changed my relationship with men was establishing a relationship with
President Ikeda. I write him once a month — no holds barred — in whatever
life condition I'm in. I tell him what's going on in my life, what my dreams
and struggles are, what my benefits are. I talk to him about the organization
and the temple issue — whatever is on my mind. I need to be able to open
my life to him and be free with him. Right now he is the parent I need
— other times, he is my teacher. I chant for
his happiness
and good health, and that of his family. I have done this for the last
4 years. His representatives have answered me back exactly twice. I can
feel his prayers for my life. Being able to have this kind of relationship
with Pres. Ikeda has changed how I perceive myself in relationship to men,
and how I relate to men.
I have nothing
but appreciation for all the experiences I've had to go through in order
to 1) get to the Gohonzon, 2) get to a place where I am not being abused,
and 3) have a healthy, supportive relationship in my life.
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