A
Musician’s Journey
I am a professional musician; as such
I have done a lot of “starving.” I am quite sure that my financial struggle
was prolonged as a result of some basic shortcomings in the areas of faith
and attitude.
Because I pursued a path of persistence
about succeeding as a performing artist, I eliminated many possible ways
of money making. But, because I lacked the courage to stay focused, I made
only intermittent progress in my career. Discipline, whether in practicing
fundamentals of music, of Buddhism, or in other areas of life, has always
been a very difficult challenge for me.
My theoretical understanding of Nichiren
Buddhism is what attracted me to the faith. It was this same theoretical
orientation that would not allow me to ever stop practicing (I recently
celebrated the completion of my 30th year). In terms of faith, I was once
told that my faith is “like fire” as opposed to “flowing water.” This was
true! Most of my great benefits came as a result of my experiencing some
crisis or other, and chanting “mad” Daimoku with my “back against the wall.”
Fast forward to approximately two
and a half years ago. Many lessons finally began to sink in. I was spiritually
and emotionally exhausted, having survived a seemingly unending stream
of crises. It seemed that I had largely depleted my storehouse of fortune.
I was being forced to move from the most modest of dwellings (where I paid
an unbelievably low, low, low rent). My career was nowhere. Through anger
and arrogance, I had blown my Buddhist God-like side hustle (moving furniture).
So even if I found a new abode, I couldn’t even afford to move out.
I had alienated my family, except
for my father who, in his wisdom, forgave me. I had seriously offended
my sister, in response to her offending me. I was semi-estranged from my
only child (my son), who had gotten married at the beginning of the year
without bothering to tell me.
I ended up depending on friends for
their help. I moved to the new place (a much, much better place to live),
and was allowed to give my washing machine to the landlord as payment for
two weeks rental. I had been promised a job in the Chicago Public Schools,
and was waiting for the criminal background check to clear. That took two
months to happen. I found out later that the entire state of Illinois was
depending on six persons in the State Police Department to do all the background
checks, and they were that far behind.
In the meantime, I got a street musician’s
license, and eked out a daily existence, paying my rent daily until I was
gainfully employed. I endured a lot of mental abuse from my landlord, who
(though he was a very nice guy) had a lot of problems and was an admitted
“rage-aholic.” (I don’t know if that’s a legitimate psychological term,
but it is certainly accurate!)
My over-riding emotion at this time
was that I was tired of losing, and I really needed to win for once. I
shed a lot of tears, and found myself just sobbing in front to the Gohonzon.
I chanted a lot of Daimoku! At the time of my breakthrough, I was chanting
five hours daily.
This amount of chanting helped me
to see how truly arrogant I had been for an inestimable amount of time.
I realized (and haven’t forgotten) that I must have the best friends in
the world. I say this because there are so many that tolerated my unbelievably
negative attitude and continued to support and encourage me. At that time,
if I’d had a friend like me, I would have had nothing to do with him.
This realization came to me one day,
while I was alternately chanting and crying. I can’t describe the sincere
remorse I felt. I knew immediately that I had to apologize to everyone.
I decided to do just that. I began calling people and sincerely apologizing
for having been such a very negative person. The apologies were choked
with emotion and it was very difficult to complete them. Virtually all
of my friends felt that I was not that bad; but I knew what I had realized
in front of my Gohonzon. Some told me that I didn’t need to apologize,
but I insisted that they hear me out. I told them I needed to do this for
myself!
I included people with whom I had
had conflict and who were not so friendly. I didn’t care about what they
might have done or said to me, or how negative they may have been. I knew
that when there is conflict, each of the involved parties share some of
the responsibility. I apologized for my attitude and my actions. These
people actually saw my sincerity, and I was able to begin turning adversarial
relationships into friendships!
As I continued to chant, self-reflect,
and apologize to others, I began to feel lighter and lighter inside. It
became easier to express the apologies (the most painful emotions were
subsiding). It was in the midst of this experience that my background check
cleared, and I was hired into the Chicago Public Schools system.
At the end of the school year (April
2003) I was laid off — caught in a system-wide layoff. When I was told
that I was being laid off, I returned to my office (I was the only Teacher
Assistant in the school, and I had my own office). I chanted Daimoku a
few minutes and admonished myself to remain positive. Then I called my
home phone to retrieve my messages.
There was a message from an agency
that books musicians onto cruise ships. They said that they needed a cocktail
pianist right away, and that three pianists that they called had recommended
me. I had called this agency before, and they requested promotional materials
that I did not have, so they told me to call back when I had them. This
time they asked me to send them a home made video and my playlist, and
promised to hire me as soon as they got them. I spent four of the next
five months playing the best music gig of my career. It paid well, I lived
rentfree, ate great food (free), and even got my laundering and ironing
done free!
I came back to Chicago a much improved
keyboardist-vocalist and with enough savings to buy all new professional
equipment. This was the first time ever that I was really professionally
equipped.
Within a month I was rehired into
the school system. Decades ago, I had attended college for five years as
a music and education major. I never graduated. A year ago, I determined
to finish my bachelor’s degree, and get my Illinois State Teacher Certification.
I have been accepted at an excellent
music teachers’ college here in Chicago. There are some very formidable
obstacles confronting me, but I am determined to begin school this August!
I have recently been recruited into
a band that has excellent prospects for top paying local engagements. This
opportunity represents the income that I will need to earn while in school!
It is clear to me that everything
depends on me — especially on my practicing Buddhism passionately; extending
compassion to my fellow members, friends, and family members; and enthusiastically
supporting the May-June Contribution Campaign and the six-year Shakubuku
Campaign. I know that this is truly the way for all of us to change our
karma!
Before I close, I would like to relate
that just before I was forced out of that meager abode (referred to at
the beginning), I was burglarized, and lost approximately $13,000 worth
of music and recording equipment. At that time, I was working a temporary
job with the U.S. Census Bureau.
The prevalent guidance reaching me
through the realm of SGI-USA was about not blaming others for my suffering.
Much attention was given to not giving in to anger, and not holding grudges
against others. I had been informed who the persons were that burglarized
my cottage, but I couldn’t prove it and informants were unwilling to give
the police their eyewitness accounts. They feared revenge from the perpetrators.
For two weeks, I could not clean up
the mess from the break-in. Doing that would ignite my anger and rage toward
those persons responsible, and I just didn’t want to experience it. Finally
I could ignore the conditions no longer, and I grabbed a broom. As I began
to sweep, of course, my mind went to the burglars. To my amazement, I thought
“I would hate to have their karma!” I couldn’t believe my next thoughts
were coming from me. “I really feel sorry for them — I’m going to chant
for them!”
At that instant, my phone rang. To
my surprise, it was my son. He wanted to pay me a visit. He came the next
day, and asked to begin anew to create a harmonious relationship with me.
He told me that I was going to be a grandfather, and that he wanted his
child to have me in his or her life.
I made a determination to overcome
my tendency toward anger, and to resist the impulse to blame others for
any unhappiness — no matter how directly related they were to the situation.
I determined to accept the responsibility for all hurts, angers, and frustrations,
and not to compound the suffering by resenting others.
At the Census Office, I had a supervisor
who was a young woman. I was by far the hardest worker in my department.
Virtually everyone else was constantly looking for ways to get out of work.
One day we did a very laborious job. At the end of about two and a half
hours, I was wringing wet with perspiration and shaking. I sat down to
rest. This supervisor began ordering me back to work. She knew well how
hard I had been laboring. In the ensuing discussion, she kept stepping
too close to me, “invading my space.” I told her this made me uncomfortable
and asked her not to do this. She responded by repeatedly stepping within
a couple of feet of me as I continually backed away.
My anger got the better of me. I lost
my cool, sidestepped her, and stormed out of the office. I was livid and
I knew better than to return to work before I could calm myself down. I
went to a nearby store to get a cold drink (It was an extremely hot day).
When I entered the store the cold air-conditioning hit me and I experienced
a tremendous feeling of physical relief. Immediately I remembered my determination
and I realized “that young lady is very unhappy!” I then remembered that
the previous evening she had brought her daughter into the office. She
was a very young mother, and I suddenly realized that her life was probably
very hard. I thought “I’m going to chant for her when I get home!”
That evening, I arrived at my door
with my determination to chant for this young lady very much in mind. On
the way in, I grabbed my mail. Once inside I saw a picture post card. I
suddenly realized that it was a picture of my sister (the one who I had
offended). She was visiting Kenya and was posing with two formally dressed
Masai warriors. Her message was that she was forgiving me for my offense,
and she apologized to me for withholding her trust of me for three years.
(She attributed this to her faith in Jesus Christ and that is fine with
me!)
The point is that, although I had
apologized to her when the offense occurred, her forgiveness came only
when I was able to overcome my own anger toward my supervisor! When I overcame
anger and condemnation toward my burglars, my son returned to me! When
l did self-reflection, accepted responsibility for my own life, and did
profound human revolution, my financial condition did a 180 degree turn!
What I have learned is:
1) To change my world I have
to change myself!
2) To create fortune and gain benefit,
I have to believe in my Buddha nature!
In delusion, we perceive ourselves as
limited in possibilities and in power. Common sense tells us that we cannot
achieve anything that we don’t believe we have the ability to accomplish.
To believe that I am a Buddha is to believe that I have the power, the
wisdom, the courage, the fortune, etc., to accomplish ANYTHING!
I think that we have to acknowledge
that what we experience is our karma. I also think that when I make statements
like “I have job karma,” I might — somewhere in the back of my mind — be
buying into some form of self-doubt. I think that it is my real karma to
be essentially a Buddha. It is my mission to confront my own human difficulties
and demonstrate (for the benefit and encouragement of others) that the
inherent power, my own Buddha nature, can be harnessed through Daimoku
to the Gohonzon. This karma, I feel, dwarfs any other karma that might
be manifest (or dormant) in my life.
This confidence and conviction may
be the greatest benefit I have experienced, and I am eternally grateful!
I cannot close without stating that
receiving guidance and encouragement from my Central Zone leader really
helped me to keep going! The insight and inspiration that I gained by reading
The Buddha in Your Mirror was pivotal!
Fred
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