Zange
— Buddhist Apology
In 1976 the
idea of "Buddhist apology" was circulating through SGI-USA.
Everyone was
talking about it, but none of us knew what it was. Little sheets with different
formulas for "Buddhist apology" appeared on altars everywhere. Some
of these formulas had as many as 16 steps. Many Buddhist went down their
checklist each time they chanted. I was not one of them.
The idea of
apologizing sounded more Christian than Buddhist. Who am I apologizing
to? Da Big Benevolent Buddha in Da Sky? What am I apologizing for? Being
a Baaaaaad Boy?
Inscribed on
the Gohonzon is the phrase "For now and the future." Isn't apology
dwelling in the past?
Did we need
another layer of ritual separating us from the Gohonzon?
Would you believe
that a top SGI leader once accused me of having a criticizing mind?
I had suffered
from allergies since my pre-teens. Every spring and fall, my eyes would
itch, get red, and sore, my nose would run constantly, and occasionally,
I became asthmatic, gasping for breath.
My dad and siblings
have the same condition. It must be hereditary. Can't change your genes.
Can you?
One fine spring
day I had rubbed my eyes until they were puffy, my nose and upper lip were
red and sore. I was aggravated to the core of my being.
I was so angry,
I visualized chopping off my nose to keep it from dripping.
I sat down to
chant to get some composure. I noticed the little Buddhist apology list
next to the incense burner. I stuffed it under the Butsugyo table so I
would not be distracted by seeing it. I wanted to connect to the Gohonzon.
I did not want to go through a stilted apology ritual.
Each time I
touched my Rudolphian nose with a tissue, it stung. Aggravating. Aggravating.
Aggravating.
As I chanted,
I tried to think of what cause I made to deserve this. I imagined that
I may have suffocated, or oppressed someone. I couldn't think of anyone,
but maybe I did in another life. Looking back on history, the odds are
that we all did stuff that was less than pleasurable to others.
From the bottom
of my heart I felt that if I did cause anyone the anguish I was enduring,
I was truly sorry.
As I chanted
unreservedly for the happiness of anyone that I have ever caused to suffer,
my eyes and nose cleared up.
I have not had
allergies since. That was more than 20 years ago.
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