Angela's
Experience:
Awakening
to My Buddha Nature
My name is Angela Quashie and I live
in Chicago. I began practicing Nichiren Daishonin's True Buddhism in 1982
at age 18. I am the granddaughter of a Baptist minister, which made starting
to practice challenging. It was also difficult to practice because, at
that time, my family lived on my grandfather's property. Fortunately, my
mother had never forced us to go to church, remembering the many days during
her childhood when she had been forced to go. Now that I was an adult leaving
for college, I was free to believe whatever my heart desired.
So my life began. A newly practicing
friend from high school had introduced me to this Buddhism. I had to teach
myself gongyo since I was the only practicing member in a little college
town in the middle of Iowa. Needless to say, reciting the sutra was like
pulling teeth without instructions. I really enjoyed chanting daimoku because
I felt so peaceful inside. I recall that, shortly after receiving my Gohonzon,
a leader had told me that if I could just teach one person to chant, I
would accumulate great fortune. I really wanted to practice with others,
not just when I returned to Chicago during school breaks, but all the time.
So I took his advice very seriously.
After praying this way, I began telling
other students about Nam-myoho-renge-kyo. Sometimes I was ridiculed for
my beliefs. I was finally able to teach one person to practice on campus
during my senior year. How could I have known then that the one person
whom I taught, Robert Quashie, would later become my husband and best friend.
After graduating from college I went back to Chicago to live, where I accepted
a leadership position in the youth division.
During the early 90's there were many
changes in my life. I got married, had my first child, stopped practicing,
and was diagnosed with a congenital brain condition called arteriovenous
malformation. This is a tangled cluster of blood vessels in the brain.
Eventually, this karmic illness would force me to place all my faith in
the Gohonzon.
The AVM was discovered after an episode
when I had a severe headache and a temporary inability to talk and understand
what others were saying. This forced me and my husband to rush to the emergency
room. From the very beginning, I had some of the top neurology specialists
assigned to my case at the Mayo Clinic in Minnesota, where we had recently
moved. The year was 1994. They explained that I had experienced a type
of seizure. The doctors recommended a procedure called Gamma Knife surgery
that would not involve open surgery but would take up to three years to
obliterate the AVM. I was told that without the treatment, I could become
mute, and I could possibly lose my life if the AVM began to hemorrhage.
As the doctors talked to Robert, I
recalled a feeling I'd had since childhood, that I would not live past
the age of thirty. I was now exactly thirty. One physician told us that
it was fortunate that I delivered my breech baby by C-section, two years
ago, since a regular delivery could have caused a rupture in the undiscovered
AVM. I relied solely on the doctors' recommendations because I was not
practicing at that time. This was my first mistake. The second mistake
was eventually going to the temple. Looking back, as I survey my life with
a clear mind I greatly appreciate these passages from the Gosho "On Attaining
Buddhahood":
"However, even though you
chant and believe in Myoho-renge-kyo, if you think the Law is outside yourself,
you are embracing not the Mystic Law but some inferior teaching. "
And
"Therefore, when you chant the Mystic
Law and recite the Lotus Sutra, you must summon up deep conviction that
Myoho-renge-kyo is your life itself." (Major Writings, Vol. 1, p.
3-5)
But my mind was not always clear. This
is how it happened . . .
In 1995, we relocated back to Chicago.
After two years of waiting for the treatment to affect the AVM, suddenly
I began to stutter and my headaches returned. I decided to start practicing
again. I had just started a new job, which required a lot of phone work.
In addition to other symptoms, I developed dyslexia when reading. I informed
my boss of my condition but she was not compassionate and said she might
have to let me go.
I went in for a MRI scan during my
lunch break one day and was told I had to stay and talk to the doctor.
In reviewing the results of the MRI the doctors determined that the swelling
in my brain was life threatening. My neurologist placed me on steroids
to reduce the swelling. I increased my daimoku and study. I lost my job
but I gained more time to chant. About two weeks later, I was chanting
one evening and my right arm began to shake uncontrollably. I called out
to my husband and he rushed me to the hospital.
My new doctors seemed to have had
little experience dealing with my particular condition. They did not know
exactly what to do. The doctor that prescribed the steroids prescribed
a very low dosage to reduce the swelling. Apparently, the low dosage created
the opposite effect. It caused the left hemisphere of my brain to swell
even more. There was discussion among the doctors to determine the next
course of action. One doctor recommended removing the top portion of my
skull to allow the swelling more room!
Now I determined it was time to take
matters into my own hands. While the doctors were discussing options, I
began to pray with the thought "Gohonzon, my life is in your hands now.
I don't want my children to grow up motherless." Before being admitted
to the hospital, my husband and I received guidance from Mrs. Liz Kando
that we should exchange our Nikken Gohonzon to one transcribed by Nichikan
Shonin. We also prayed that the HMO, which was based in Chicago, would
cover a second opinion at the Mayo Clinic in Minnesota. This was unheard
of, but they did!
I put the Gohonzon first and began
reading every Gosho passage about illness that I could find. I am happy
to report I overcame the AVM. My original surgeon looked at the MRI scan
and declared that the AVM was 99.9% reduced and that the stuttering would
improve once the swelling could be controlled by a higher dosage of steroids.
Apparently, the swelling was a sign that the AVM was healing much the same
way a healing scar is surrounded by redness and swelling. I did not need
brain surgery after all, just a better prescription! I was so appreciative
of the Gohonzon and the AVM for allowing me to deepen my faith. Once I
was home again, I prayed to the Gohonzon with deep appreciation in my heart
and I felt warmly embraced in return. I began to believe the Gohonzon had
a life of its own when I chanted to it. But . . . did I really believe
that the Gohonzon was my life itself? The future would reveal that it would
take further trials to show me that the Gohonzon was my life.
When I returned from the second visit
to the Mayo Clinic, a barrage of obstacles confronted me. My right side
from the knee down started feeling numb all the time. My inexperienced
doctors tried to convince me that the lack of feeling in my leg was all
in my head. The stuttering worsened. It took me up to two hours to recite
morning gongyo. Eventually my insurance ran out. Also, the high dosage
of steroids began to affect my emotions and my judgement.
It was during this time that a temple
member, whom I had known from my district years ago, told me that all these
things were happening to me because I was chanting to a counterfeit Gohonzon.
This was something I had never heard about before. My husband Robert and
I wondered why no one had told us about these accusations when we exchanged
our Gohonzon. We wanted to ask questions but at that time it was difficult
to find anyone in the SGI who wanted to address the "temple issue". We
became suspicious and suspicion led to doubt. We had no doubt about practicing,
but wondered whether or not we were chanting to the correct Gohonzon. I
wondered, "Could we get our original Gohonzon back?" An SGI leader told
me the answer was "No."
I became enraged like never before.
The anger was fueled by the high dosage of steroids but I did not know
that at the time. I thought I was justified in my anger. I fell deeper
into the lower worlds. I found myself arguing with people on the street,
a behavior totally uncharacteristic of me. One night while chanting I thought
I heard a noise and turned away. When I turned to face the Gohonzon again,
I briefly saw a hellish face instead of the Gohonzon. In my ignorance,
I thought, "Maybe this object of worship is possessed by demons!" which
is what I had heard from the temple member.
Robert and I decided to drive to the
local temple to speak with the priest about our doubts. Of course he was
more than happy to confirm our worst fears. He suggested that we turn in
our Gohonzon to him as soon as possible. I asked him if he could explain
all the benefits I had received from chanting to the Nichikan Gohonzon.
His answer was the benefits were the results I had received from my former
practice. Not knowing the history of the "Temple Issue" and believing all
of my life that priests did not lie, I thought, "He would not lie to me,
would he?" We met with the priest again and decided to give him our Gohonzon.
We thought we were doing the right thing and that now we would experience
some peace of mind.
The day we took our Gohonzon to the
priest, my husband and I were in such disunity with each other. Something
was telling me, "This is a terrible mistake." However, when I shared these
feelings with my husband, he exploded with "After driving all this way
we are going through with what we started!" The priest smiled as he received
our Nichikan Gohonzon. As my husband gave the priest the Gohonzon, he thought,
"If you are fooling us, I will be back!" We hoped we would receive the
Nikken Gohonzon right away but the priest said we had to wait six months
to get it. Essentially, withholding the gohonzon was his way of keeping
us tied to the temple. He seemed aware of the pain and confusion I was
experiencing because I had come to him for help. Like the children in the
"parable of the excellent physician and his sick children," we foolishly
drank the poison. It was September 1997.
During this time, friends of ours
from the SGI reached out to us and held on to us throughout the entire
experience. Friends like this are precious and rare. But at the time I
did not realize it. I felt it was best not to trust anyone, but I was really
suffering. My mind was so overcast, I felt like I was drifting in the sea
without an anchor.
With no insurance I found myself in
the company of mediocre doctors, one of whom told me, after viewing my
most recent MRI scan, "The AVM is still very much there. These things just
don't go away!" My world was upside down. I wasted no time in calling the
staff at the Mayo Clinic, and they tried to obtain a copy from this Chicago
doctor who resisted their efforts. After several attempts on my part and
the doctors from the Mayo Clinic, the Chicago hospital said the scan had
been lost. Needless to say, I never went back there.
I was so unsure of my future and praying
to an empty altar did not help. We had been with the temple for 3-4 months
now and I decided to ask the priest how much longer we would have to wait
to receive a Gohonzon. The priest's response was "The law of cause and
effect is very strict. We will have to wait and observe. Be patient." I
thought, "Is this compassion?" My husband had already started talking with
SGI friends about coming back and my thinking was not far behind his. One
night I was feeling as if I was on my last leg and I cried aloud, "Dai-Gohonzon.
Show me the correct path. If only I had a zenchishiki!" (a good friend
in faith).
The next day I received a beautiful
invitation in the mail to the Women's Division General Meeting from an
SGI member Etta Sue. I went and I had a great time. A few days later I
confided this to a close friend who had started going to the temple the
same time I had. She felt I was not being fair to the priest and that if
I would just tell him about my health issues he would understand and show
compassion. She then arranged a guidance session for me with the priest
without my knowledge. Reluctantly, I went. It would be the last time I
entered the temple as a temple member.
I explained to the priest the nature
and history of my health karma and that I must have a Gohonzon to conquer
it before it conquers me. Essentially he said, "Now I understand your insistence.
Rest assured. I will be praying for you from this moment on. I can erect
a toba tablet (which is done for deceased people) on your behalf. Should
the worst happen, and you become deathly ill, I can write the high priest
so he can pray for you." I mentioned that I was still in contact with some
SGI members. He suggested that in my case, because of the weakness of my
brain, I should have no further contact with the SGI. Without either of
us mentioning the Sho-Hondo, he suddenly pulled out pictures of the destruction
of the Grand Reception Hall with the Sho-Hondo behind it, still intact.
Then he said, "See the Sho-Hondo is still there!" Little did I know that
the priesthood had already made plans to destroy it. Then he gave personal
guidance to my friend.
At that moment the priest's wife appeared
and began to slander a woman from the temple congregation whom she apparently
did not like. To my surprise, the priest just sat there smiling without
admonishing her. So I calmly suggested that she stop. She retorted that
she thought in this country there was freedom of speech. On the way home,
I mentioned to my friend that the guidance seemed rather cold-blooded.
She said she thought I took it the wrong way. But for the first time in
months, I knew I was thinking clearly.
It is important to note we never did
get a Nikken Gohonzon from the priest. At some point he phoned me at home
with empty promises of bestowing a Gohonzon on us soon. Then he told me,
"I will be going out of town tomorrow to perform gojukai ceremonies. I
trust you will not inform any of your SGI friends of my plans."
Etta Sue sent me study material entitled
Reaffirming
Our Right to Happiness, which thoroughly answered all of my questions
about the SGI's decision to issue the Nichikan Gohonzon to members. It
also provided the history of the Fuji School.
I am very happy to say that on March
8, 1998, only days after our request, the SGI compassionately issued another
Nichikan Gohonzon to our family. I later found out that it was on this
day in 1274 that the Daishonin was pardoned from his exile to Sado Island.
That same month I returned to the temple to request a deposit refund placed
for tozan. Clearly agitated, the priest crossed the room to intercept the
refund check that his secretary was about to hand me. After looking at
the check, which was only about $50, he insisted that I sign for it. Which
I did. Then he asked if I would speak with him in private. He said he had
heard rumors that we had rejoined the SGI movement. He feigned concern.
I joyfully told him that we had just received another Nichikan Gohonzon
on the 8th of the month. He claimed that was the very day he had scheduled
us to receive gojukai also. I wondered when he was planning to tell us!
But it no longer mattered. Having taken off the mask, he began to slander
me. I left. I felt a surge of energy and began to walk briskly to my car.
Some of our latest benefits include:
-
My husband was named the Men's Division
Leader
for our district South Shore Rising and he has written several letters
to the priest to refute the teachings of the Nikken sect.
-
My husband was recently promoted to Vice
President of Diversity Solutions in his company.
-
In August of 1999 an angiogram confirmed
that there was no trace of the AVM. I no longer stutter. I no longer have
seizures and I am medication free.
-
I began studying at the Harrington Institute
of Interior Design last September and finished the year on the dean's list.
-
As of July 2000, I currently have two
offers of employment in my field, so I am chanting to choose the best company
for me.
I also want to say that the Soka Spirit
movement provides a wonderful opportunity for members to engage in open
dialogue and have their questions answered. I will continue to support
Soka Spirit activities and pray this will prevent other people from going
to the temple in the future.
I would like to close by sharing the
following Gosho passage, which is engraved in my life:
"It is the same with the
Buddha and a common mortal. While deluded, one is called a common mortal,
but once enlightened, he is called a Buddha. Even a tarnished mirror will
shine like a jewel if it is polished. A mind which is clouded by illusions
originating from the innate darkness of life is like a tarnished mirror,
but once it is polished it will become clear reflecting the enlightenment
of immutable truth. Arouse deep faith and polish your mirror night and
day. How should you polish it? Only by chanting Nam-myoho-renge-kyo." (from
"On Attaining Buddhahood")
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