“Mamma, Christie told me I’m
going to Hell again today,” Jenny told me matter-of-factly as I stood at
the kitchen counter unloading groceries.
Don’t react, I told myself,
but I’d already sighed loudly.
“Remember what we talked about,
honey?” I said, putting the last of the cans in the cupboard. Time for
the “Ten Worlds” chat.
“Yes...”
“Hell’s not a real place. Hell’s
how we feel when something bad happens to us.”
“Mmmhmm.” She began to twist
one finger in her long straight hair. I wasn’t getting through.
“And Hell goes away. When you
feel bad, like when your bike got that scratch on it, or when Christie
teases you. After we have dinner and play a game of Monopoly you
won’t feel so bad, right?”
“Mamma, why don’t we have a
Christmas tree like all the other kids?”
Uh-oh. I swallowed nervously.
“We celebrate New Year’s, remember?
We go down to the Culture Center for World Peace prayer meeting, and everybody
gets dressed up. And later we have rice balls and black-eyed peas.”
“The other kids get presents
on Christmas. And Santa.”
I took a deep breath and blew
a stray lock of hair out of my face. I started simple. Or tried to.
“Sweetie, you know we’re Buddhists,
and ...”
That was as far as I got. Jen
bounded up off the chair, declared, “It’s not fair. If I can’t have Santa,
I don’t want to be a Buddhist” and ran off down the hall. Slam! Gone.
I shook my head. Just then,
the sound of the garage door opening told me Paul was home. I went to the
fridge and opened a cold Shiner Bock beer. It was an old joke — bad news
should always be accompanied by beer.
He walked in the door and I
handed it to him.
“Hello, love. Bad day, hmm?”
he said as he kissed me. “What’s wrong?”
“Christie told Jen she’s going
to hell. Again. And she asked me about Christmas and Santa.” I plopped
into a chair.
“Well, we knew this was going
to happen.” He sat and kicked off his shoes. “What’d you say?”
“I didn’t get very far. She
said if she couldn’t have Santa, she didn’t want to be a Buddhist, and
she stormed off to her room.”
“Whew!” Paul whistled. “Pretty
tough. Maybe the first time that Santa’s converted anyone to Christianity.”
I laughed. “Oh, stop, it’s
not funny. I want to do the right thing for Jen.”
“Sandy, we can’t shield her
from the world.”
“No, but we can try to explain
why it’s hurting her! And I’m not doing well at that. Why shouldn’t we
have Christmas?”
“We should celebrate the birth
of Jesus because...?” Paul said.
“Oh, come on. We both know
a lot of people who celebrate Christmas but don’t go to church. It’s like
Christmas is two holidays...”
“I know, I know,” he interrupted.
“The sacred and the secular. And the secular Christmas holiday is sort
of a midwinter festival, and yadayadayada. We’ve been over all this.”
I ignored him. “So, let’s celebrate
it as a secular holiday. It may be a little materialistic, but it’s a whole
lot of fun.”
“Is it really?”
“Oh, just because one Christmas
Santa didn’t bring you a Lite Brite....”
“That’s not it at all. OK,
you say it’s a celebration of family. But how does giving each other a
bunch of meaningless presents celebrate family?”
“Paul, you’re such a Scrooge.”
“No, now let me finish. If
you’re going to celebrate family, why not get together and have an honest
discussion about life? Instead of this exchange of trinkets. Where I have
to pretend to like some ugly tie that Aunt Agatha gave me. That will sit
in the closet until I send it to Goodwill.”
“You don’t even have an Aunt
Agatha.” I rolled my eyes.
“Oh, you get it.”
“I get it.”
“We may still have to celebrate
Christmas with our families, to keep the peace....”
“I want to celebrate it with
my family, and you make it sound like we’re in a state of constant warfare
with our parents....”
“...but we don’t have to...
we shouldn’t... celebrate it in this family. Do you want to hang a crucifix
on the front door and start going to Mass?”
“Oh, dry up. Neither one of
us were Catholic.” I glared at him. “I understand what you’re saying, but
I don’t see any harm in Christmas as long as we’re clear about what we’re
doing.”
“And I think you’re splitting
hairs.” He sighed, and downed the last of the beer. “I’m sorry, Dee.
We’re not doing very well here, are we? Maybe I do have some kind of ‘emotional
issue’ about Christmas. I don’t know. I just think we don’t need to celebrate
a tradition that belongs to another religion. We’ve got enough to celebrate
ourselves. I’m going to go talk to Jen.”
He left, and I sat at the kitchen
table, drained and wondering what to do for dinner. Well, we hadn’t had
pizza in awhile. I reached for the phone and dialed Pizza Hut as I mulled
the situation over.
OK, sure, he was right, in
a lot of ways. In the logical ways. As much as I argued to myself about
“sacred holidays” and “secular holidays,” perhaps I was splitting hairs.
A little bit. I mean, no one really considered Christmas on a par with,
say, the Fourth of July.
“Large pepperoni, extra cheese,
olives, and, um, green peppers,” I told the kid on the other end of the
line. I gave him our address and added an order of bread sticks. He promised
dinner in 40 minutes. Good enough.
“Thank you for calling Pizza
Hut. Merry Christmas,” he said in a flat, harried tone, and hung up before
I could wish him one back. Or tell him that I didn’t celebrate it, thank
you very much. I shook my head and said “Bah, humbug!” Not much Christmas
spirit there. Maybe Paul was right.
But on the other hand, how
wonderful everything about Christmas was. The tree, the stockings.
The smell of pine. The red and green tree skirt blazoned with a grinning
white-bearded Santa. Cards hanging on a string along the top of the
wall. Wrapping paper. Chocolate and oranges. Being so excited that
you couldn’t go to sleep, because you knew Santa was coming, and waking
up on Christmas morning with the most wonderful breathless sense of anticipation.
Even the needles in the carpet, pricking your feet and lingering around
for months....
I sighed. Everything was so
special because it only happened once a year. I propped my head in my hands.
How could something so wonderful, that made children so happy, be bad?
“Well, I think she’s feeling
better,” said Paul as he came into the kitchen. “I think she could ignore
this whole thing if it weren’t for Christie.”
“What did you say?” I asked
curiously.
“Oh, this and that. I explained
things,” he said airily. “What’s for dinner?”
I shook my head a little. “That
easy, huh? Humph. Anyway, I ordered pizza.”
“Great.” He came over and embraced
me, wrapping his arms around my waist and gently nuzzling my neck with
his chin.
“Paul. What are we going to
do about Christmas?”
“I don’t know, Sandy. I know
it’s making you unhappy. Let’s think about it. It’s almost three weeks
away. We can come up with a compromise.”
“We have to do the right thing
for Jen,” I said.
“We will, sweetheart.”
I sighed. “C’mon. Let’s go
chant.”
“Good idea.”
Later that evening, we all
curled up in front of the television. Jen voted for yet another viewing
of Sonny Elephant and the Dark Jungle. Paul and I decided we could tolerate
it one more time. We made a fire, popped popcorn, and started up the VCR.
Outside, the wind howled in
the chimney and rattled the panes. Onscreen, Sonny Elephant and the Monkey
King led a riotous dance number. A troupe of tigers pranced past as Bawak
the Parrot squawked away in a grating falsetto. Jen sat in her beanbag
in front of the television, her eyes drooping.
“I’m going to run up into the
attic and get those extra blankets,” I murmured to Paul.
“Oh?” he said, his attention
on the movie.
“I was kind of cold after the
electric blanket went on the fritz last night,” I said.
“You’ve got me to keep you
warm,” he growled.
I grinned at him. “You’re a
lot heavier than the blanket.” I walked through the kitchen and flipped
the light on. Outside, I shivered, pulled my sweater around me, and yanked
down the attic door. Then up the steps and into the attic, a forest of
shelves and boxes. Baby clothes... old yearbooks... a box labeled “stuffed
animals.” I opened one flap. With a wry smile, I dipped my hand in and
brought out my old, battered Tigger. What a hero that little guy was. Almost
furless, one ear gone, but he still beamed up at me.
Then I spotted a shoebox marked
“XMAS.” I shoved the other boxes aside. Inside, an unruly jumble of ornaments.
I fished out a clothespin reindeer. I must have made you in the first or
second grade! The hanger loop of gold thread was broken now, and the brown
paint was faded, but its little plastic eyes still lolled merrily at me.
I grinned. A bit of thread
and you’ll be good as new. My smile faded. For what? There would be no
tree to hang him on. No more of the rapture of Christmas morning for him.
I dug through the shoebox some
more. A Styrofoam egg, with crushed velvet and sequins pinned crookedly
around it. An angel, cut out of brass -- well, probably some cheap brass-like
metal -- with “Xmas 1975” engraved on it in an awkward hand. A yarn cross-stitched
stocking, one corner unraveled to reveal its plastic underpinnings. A cardboard
circle -- I turned it over, and on the other side was a vaguely birdlike
shape made out of macaroni. Ah yes, it had been one of a set. The Twelve
Days of Christmas, in Magic Marker and pasta.
Then, at the very bottom of
the box, my hand touched felt. I dragged it out. A stocking — my stocking.
I’d made it in Girl Scouts. The fabric was thin and worn now. I brushed
off stray bits of glitter. “Sandy” was blazoned across the top in my best
cursive. The white stocking top was streaked with red — the two colors
had faded into each other. Underneath, a beaded felt Christmas tree, attached
by a few scraps of glue. A reindeer with half a head of pipe-cleaner horns
winked at me. And a Santa with one black sequin eye leered wickedly.
“You devil, you,” I said, then
caught my breath for a moment, struck by inspiration. Twelve days of Christmas...
ten days of... of New Year’s! Why not? I grabbed the box of ornaments and
rushed downstairs.
Back in the den, Bawak was
biting Sonny’s ear. Jen was mostly asleep, but I knew if I tried to stop
the tape, she’d wake up and squawk like Bawak. So I touched Paul gently
on the shoulder and hissed, “Come into the kitchen. I need to talk to you.”
“Whass wrong?” he grumbled,
almost asleep.
“Come on,” I said.
In the kitchen, I plopped down
the box and grabbed the pad of paper that sat by the phone. I glanced up
for a second... yes, I could keep half an eye on Jen from here, make sure
she stayed safely asleep in her beanbag. My mind started whirring.
“Hey, you forget the blanket,”
Paul said, scratching his disheveled mop of hair.
“Oh, never mind that, I’m thinking,”
I said. “Hell, that’s an easy one. Something Halloween-ish ... nah, gotta
make sure that the kids understand it’s all a metaphor. Work with, you
know, sadness or despair. The Devil of the Sixth Heaven, maybe? Make little
cookies with devil faces?”
Paul poured himself a glass
of milk and pulled up a chair. “Slow down, slow down. What are you rattling
on about?”
I ignored him. “The Ten Days
of New Year’s!” I said. “Like the Twelve Days of Christmas, you know, only
Buddhist-style. The Ten Worlds of New Year’s. A different theme for each
day. We can decorate, do games, food, whatever. And the tenth day is New
Year’s Day, which is also the Day of Buddhahood. What d’ya think?”
“It’s late... can’t this wait
til morning?”
“No, it can’t.” I put the pen
cap in my mouth and began to nibble on it. Why can’t he understand how
important this is? It could be really great!
“OK. So you want to invent
a holiday?” Paul said.
“Why not?” I said. “Didn’t
you say ‘We’ve got enough to celebrate for ourselves?’ Well, let’s celebrate
it.” I flattened my palms against the table.
Paul said, “It seems kind of...
fake... making up a holiday like that.”
“Why does it matter?” I said,
leaning forward in my chair. “Look at Kwaanzaa. That’s an invented holiday.”
“Really?”
“Yes, in the sixties, I think.
It’s based on African harvest festivals, you know, it’s got, um, authentic
roots. This is the same way. It’s our idea, but based on philosophical
concepts — the Ten Worlds.”
“Well....”
“Think of it as a teaching
tool,” I pressed, drumming my fingers. Why won’t you understand? “A ten-year-old
isn’t going to understand if you say, ‘The world of Rapture is a metaphor
for the transient joy we feel when our earthly desires are fulfilled.’
If you explain it. But if she experiences it somehow — in a skit, or a
story, or a drawing - it becomes real.”
“Humph,” Paul grunted.
“And think of all the things
we could do with the Ten Worlds!” I picked up my pen and began to make
a list. “Hell, hunger, anger, animality, humanity, heaven, learning, realization,
bodhisattva — that one’s easy. Take the kids out and do some volunteer
work. Anything would do, as long as we
have that bodhisattva spirit.”
“Sandy....”
“For hunger, we could talk
about, um, about wanting things. We could have a “wanting tree” and draw
pictures of the things we want, and hang them up. Then on Rapture day we
could “get” those things and then “break” them... maybe run a toy car off
the end of a table or something... and talk about how things don’t make
us truly happy, that happiness is something that comes from inside of us.
Hey, we could do Santa for Rapture day. Some real presents. Why not? A
few, as long as the kids understand that that’s not the whole point.”
“You’re... you’re copying Christmas,
you’re trying to make up a substitute holiday here,” Paul said.
I looked him right in the eye.
“Yeah, I am. So what?”
A moment of silence.
“Paul, everyone wants to celebrate.
That’s why we have holidays — to remind us about joy. That’s what I want
to borrow from Christmas — doing something special. The celebration. Connecting
us to each other, to our past and our future.”
I rummaged around in the box
of ornaments and brought out the stocking. “Look, Paul. I made this, in
Girl Scouts.” Santa leered up at us. “And...” I dug deeper in the box...
“the day I brought it home my mother gave me this.” I produced a bulky
envelope. “If this is what I think it is....” I undid the clasp, and out
slid an even older stocking, hand-sewn, with faded red and green cross-stitch
designs. I ran my finger over the tree, the star, Santa’s dingy beard.
“She made it when she was a girl.”
“We don’t need to do Christmas,”
I said, “but I want to start something like this now. Make something like
this now. For our fortune baby. To give to her fortune babies someday.”
Paul got up to refill his glass
of milk.
“I think... it’s a good idea,
Sandy,” he said. “I guess... we’d better get to work. Not too long and
it’ll be... Hell day.”
I gave him a big smile. “We’re
going to have a blast!”
New Year’s Eve Day. Jen bounced
up and down in her seat as we pulled into the driveway. “Mamma, is
everyone coming over to chant tonight?”
“Of course, darling, we always
do that.”
“And we’re going to the Culture
Center tomorrow for World Peace Prayer?”
“Sure.”
“Can I stay up ‘til midnight?
Huh? Huh?”
“You can try.” I grinned wryly.
She’d tried last year, too, and wound up a lump on the couch well before
ten. “Did you like the nursing home?” I asked her.
She nodded. “I like to sing.”
We’d gathered together an impromptu chorus of children and taught them
a few songs. After the recital they visited the residents — well, mostly
ran, jumped and played around the residents. Still, though, they seemed
to enjoy the kids. Then we’d dropped a big batch of clothing and toys off
at Goodwill. All right in swing with Bodhisattva Day.
“We’re home!” Jen squealed.
“Daddy’s home!” as she spotted his car in the garage. Her door flew open
and out she went, almost before we’d stopped.
“Hey! Careful there!” But she
was already gone. I sighed, exhausted. I wonder if any of this sunk in?
I thought to myself. Well, Sandy, you wanted a celebration, didn’t you?
Yes, but a celebration with
a reason.
In the kitchen, I found Jen
comfortably wrapped in Paul’s arms, requesting a glass of milk.
“Do we have any more devil
cookies, Mommy?” she asked.
“Nope, you ate the last one,
remember?”
“Aww.” She stuck out her lower
lip.
“We’ll make some more next
year.” I put my purse down on the kitchen counter.
“Did you have a good day?”
Paul asked me.
“Well, I guess. The kids seemed
to enjoy it, but I’m not sure they got the point.”
“I think they did,” he said.
“Hey punkin’, tell Mommy what you told me. About tomorrow.”
“Tomorrow?” I asked. “What
about it? It’s New Year’s Day. “
“No! It’s Buddha Day. The best
day of all, ‘cuz we’re all learning how to be Buddhas.” She squirmed out
of Paul’s arms and charged off into the den. I looked at Paul.
“I guess she got it!” |