My Breakthrough Practice 
(Experience from the April 2002 Woman’s Division Conference at FNCC)

By Gail Hodge
[As told at the May 4th, 2002, World Peace Gongyo, DC Community Center]

Wow, what an incredible trip! My FNCC trip was a breakthrough practice experience! The first thing that Matilda Buck said to us was that her wish is that each one of us leave there fulfilled. I cried from Thursday to Sunday at FNCC, I was in the ladies room and Matilda came in while I was crying. I told her that I couldn’t stop crying, she put her arm around me and said: “Just keep crying.”

The second night for dinner I went Linda Johnson’s table and told her I could not stop crying, she said “Honey, feel the freedom! Keep crying.” I then realized I was no longer at the surface of understanding my life. I had broke through that fundamental darkness and hit the core of how I was slandering myself and making Gail unhappy by looking outside of my life for things or whatever to make me happy. Just the joy, the realization, the guidance, the study sessions, the dialogue with phenomenal women and, oh yes, the food and a new awakening — I left FNCC fulfilled. When I got home, I was on that FNCC high for two days.

On the third day I got negative. I did Gongyo but I didn’t want to chant, I got real ugly with myself. I didn’t feel like fighting, I didn’t want to do anything. So finally on the fourth day I took out my notes from FNCC and read the April 12th, 2002, World Tribune (WT) message from Matilda on “Building a Breakthrough Practice.” The one phrase that stuck with me was, “Can we stop punishing ourselves or others?” I then reflected on my past and why I thought I didn’t deserve to be happy: I had lived an abusive childhood that caused me to have low self esteem and no confidence. Sometimes I felt like I was searching for something I couldn’t find, so there began my journey of looking outside of myself.

After reading Matilda’s message in the WT, I started to chant breakthrough DAIMOKU. On June 29th I will begin 29 years of practice, and I determined then that I am not going to practice 29 more years with fear and, most of all, unhappiness. I then went to my notes from FNCC, breaking down each session:

  1. The first session was with Danny Nagashima, who was our Wisdom. He talked about the concept of zange: Apology, appreciation and determination. I brought both of my deceased parents’ faces to the Gohonzon, and apologized to them from the depths of my life for being the kind of daughter that made them angry to the point of being abusive to me, and that it was OK because they didn’t know any better. I thanked them both for being my parents and said that I will continue to chant for their eternal happiness and that we will meet again. I then thanked the Gohonzon with appreciation for the opportunity to change the sadness in my heart and with determination I am chanting to be the type of mother that my children can say with pride: “Yes! that’s my Mom.”
  2. The second session was with Matilda Buck, who was Compassion. She gave us encouragement from Mr. Yakota about being Bodhisattvas of the Earth: “Your movie has a happy ending. You have to take painstaking care to ensure this ending. After all you are the producers, the directors, and the actors.”
  3. The third session was with Phyllis Goodson, Chicago region leader, who was Courage. She talked about SGI leaders, and we are ALL leaders! We must develop in faith, study, culture, courtesy, and character. She said “NOW is the time!” If we want to be effective we have to be committed. Can you describe your type of commitment for your life and your happiness? Are you a cop out, a hold out, drop out, or all out? 
Our last session was with Linda Johnson who just blew us away. She said “You can not lead other people to happiness if you are not happy yourself, stop looking outside yourself for happiness.” She said “Until I change the way I feel about me, people will not change how they act towards me.” If you only do what’s easy for you and never challenge what’s hard for you, you will always be a slave to your fundamental darkness.

Now you see why I left FNCC fulfilled with a new sense of freedom and joy. I chant everyday to see the beauty of who I am and appreciate the compassion I have for human life everyday. I also understand why the years of my practice that I thought were unhappy were really my true happiness. Because everything in life is a process and no prayer goes unanswered, I do not live a life of regret and I do not chant with the attitude of why me? I am determined that, with the power of Daimoku, I will continue to show actual proof in my life of practice. To my husband Ken, whose heart I love with great appreciation: thank you for not letting me give up on me and for letting me not only have dreams but for allowing me to live them!

Thank you!!!
 
 

Copyright 2002 Gakkai Experiences Online