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My
Breakthrough Practice
(Experience from the April 2002 Woman’s Division Conference at FNCC) By Gail Hodge
Wow, what an incredible trip! My FNCC trip was a breakthrough practice experience! The first thing that Matilda Buck said to us was that her wish is that each one of us leave there fulfilled. I cried from Thursday to Sunday at FNCC, I was in the ladies room and Matilda came in while I was crying. I told her that I couldn’t stop crying, she put her arm around me and said: “Just keep crying.” The second night for dinner I went Linda Johnson’s table and told her I could not stop crying, she said “Honey, feel the freedom! Keep crying.” I then realized I was no longer at the surface of understanding my life. I had broke through that fundamental darkness and hit the core of how I was slandering myself and making Gail unhappy by looking outside of my life for things or whatever to make me happy. Just the joy, the realization, the guidance, the study sessions, the dialogue with phenomenal women and, oh yes, the food and a new awakening — I left FNCC fulfilled. When I got home, I was on that FNCC high for two days. On the third day I got negative. I did Gongyo but I didn’t want to chant, I got real ugly with myself. I didn’t feel like fighting, I didn’t want to do anything. So finally on the fourth day I took out my notes from FNCC and read the April 12th, 2002, World Tribune (WT) message from Matilda on “Building a Breakthrough Practice.” The one phrase that stuck with me was, “Can we stop punishing ourselves or others?” I then reflected on my past and why I thought I didn’t deserve to be happy: I had lived an abusive childhood that caused me to have low self esteem and no confidence. Sometimes I felt like I was searching for something I couldn’t find, so there began my journey of looking outside of myself. After reading Matilda’s message in the WT, I started to chant breakthrough DAIMOKU. On June 29th I will begin 29 years of practice, and I determined then that I am not going to practice 29 more years with fear and, most of all, unhappiness. I then went to my notes from FNCC, breaking down each session:
Now you see why I left FNCC fulfilled with a new sense of freedom and joy. I chant everyday to see the beauty of who I am and appreciate the compassion I have for human life everyday. I also understand why the years of my practice that I thought were unhappy were really my true happiness. Because everything in life is a process and no prayer goes unanswered, I do not live a life of regret and I do not chant with the attitude of why me? I am determined that, with the power of Daimoku, I will continue to show actual proof in my life of practice. To my husband Ken, whose heart I love with great appreciation: thank you for not letting me give up on me and for letting me not only have dreams but for allowing me to live them! Thank you!!!
Copyright 2002 Gakkai Experiences Online
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